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This is honesty. It's gonna hurt.
20 most recent entries

Date:2007-08-14 22:51
Subject:Your name must be.
Security:Public

You fake it.
You lie.
You cheat.
You play to your audience.


Your name must be Dan.

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Date:2007-08-10 23:58
Subject:knowledge is power
Security:Public

I'm starting to realize. I like education. I hate school, but I love education. I like the feeling I get when I can argue a point, when I can debate, when I can answer questions, tell other people, etc. I love the feeling when I just KNOW.

They say knowledge is power, and it is. I can't tell you how many time's when knowing something has got me out of a jam in my public speaking, or when it's given me authority over another (not that I enjoy power, but having a little bit is not bad, in fact, it's good. It's good, great in fact, to not be powerless).

I just need to work on my confidence, that's bad.

But I will get there kids.

AND IN OTHER NEWS: I am 18 next month, I quit my job, annnnnd, I have a crush on a boy, he's English, but cute English. I see him Sunday.

Wish me luck, and knowledge, of course!

Stacey - Pants

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Date:2007-06-25 01:15
Subject:Dear parent
Security:Public
Mood: sad

Dear parent,

I needed to tell you. I couldn’t hold it in any more. My feelings have always been so intense about everything, and even more so about this.

I remember telling you, I remember saying the words, that now I choke upon. I remember saying how I felt. How liberal I was sexually, in some peoples opinions. I remember how liberated I felt, that finally, I was free. I could stop pretending. Maybe I could be recognized for the way I truly felt and not just shoved to one side.

Not that it really mattered; I just wanted you to know. I had feelings for a girl once; they were so intense, the times I spent with her were so much better than that of what I spent with any man. Our feelings bubbled over and it felt like we became one sometimes, even for short stretches of time.

I told you, when we were sitting in the TV room. You just said “OK.” And kept watching, it broke my heart. I wanted to cry so much, but I took myself away, it was so hard to say that and to have an answer so, nonchalant, so, bullshit; it burned me on the inside.

I remember for weeks after you told me that I was straight, that I didn’t like girls, I wanted to die. I said, no, I do; reminded you of the conversation, and you said you’d forgotten.

You’d forgotten? WHAT!?

Denial.

If you thought it was hard for you to accept that, and that you didn’t understand it, imagine growing up, feeling this way all your life, and never being able to tell anyone, then, when you “come out” to people and they don’t believe you, they ridicule you and they “forget”. Imagine the hurt, when the ones you most loved and cared about just called it bullshit. Imagine being me.

But you couldn’t, you couldn’t ever know, or even understand. I remember telling my best friends about it, and they just said you were in denial, you would come around, but you haven’t, not yet, and I don’t know if you ever will.

If you can’t accept me on something that is such a part of me, something that is so deeply burned into me, so far in my nature, how are you ever going to accept anything else?

I have never been purposely judgmental to anyone, lease of all the people I cared about. Yet they are to me.

I ask one question;

Why?

-Me.

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Date:2007-06-21 02:31
Subject:Writer's Block: Who's in your neighborhood
Security:Public

How well do you know your next-door neighbors?

ahhh. Now what an interesting question that has been presented to me.

So, I'm surfing around LJ while I am waiting for something to download, and I come across this... Such an interesting, amazing thing such is.

I believe I can answer this, and much, much more, in the 12:33 until this game is downloaded.

You see, it all boils down to how well my nabours know me. And you see, they don't. And why is this? Because they keep to themselves, and raise their chickens, and pick their veggies, and go to their work, and pave, and re-pave their backyards. People in this country are not social with those who live near them, no, most of my friends are a minimum of about a 10 min drive, going up to a four hour drive away from me.

Sucks, don't it?

Apparently, though, in other countries, people know and love their nabours, the kids are outside playing until all hours, and the adults are busy being adults and chatting away. The society I live in is one where people do what they wish and socializing with other people comes second. I wish it came first for others and not just me. I am not a fan of this, buckal down and work, and don't know the person next door to you shizz.

What if I was to get robed? No-one knows me, so they wouldn't know if it was me, who had that large TV over my shoulder, jumping into the back of that van with those four, dodgy looking men.

Such an interesting thing, this time waster has proven to be. I now only have 5 mins left on my down load.

I keep meaning to check out the music pages around here for new music. Someone, please force me to do so. I need to get some new music, my other stuff is getting rather stail.

-Stacey

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Date:2007-03-29 21:06
Subject:
Security:Public

I'm thinking about making an alternative lifestyle/activist/vegan/vego site.

I would probably start off with a myspace, then I would go on to make a proper site... hmm...

It's been on my mind for some time now. I would really like to get into it and make it work, but I'm not sure if it would, as there is a few out there, and they are really good, and i wouldn't want to compete, i would just want to run one, maybe i should go somewhere and see if i can help SOMEONE ELSE run one, hmm....

just something i'm thinking about, that i thought i should add in here.

-Stacey

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Date:2007-01-26 15:58
Subject:Hypocrite.
Security:Public

I’m sorry I’m not prefect.
I am the furthest from it.
I can’t help the way I am.
I can’t help if I let stupid things bother me.
I can’t help if I can’t keep things in me
&I just let them come out.
I’m sorry when it hurts
&I’m sorry when it feels good.
I can’t help the way I am,
So don’t criticize it,
Until you’ve been it,
And you understand it.

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Date:2007-01-13 21:43
Subject:Addiction.
Security:Public

It is days like today when I discover that my constant need for addiction is over coming me.

Last night I needed a smoke, I use to only smoke socially, but last night I found myself needing one so bad that I sat out in the cold, in my silk PJ’s, at three am, puffing away with this fear that someone would come out of the house and catch me.

For the last three years I have been pretty self-destructive, with all kinds of things, not just cigarettes. I have already pushed the self-destruct button, and I am ready to go, but for some reason, something is pulling me back, something is stopping me from going.

What the hell is it? I don’t even know. It was never there before, and it seems to have only come to me recently, and maybe this morning/late last night, was what has finally made me realise how stupid I have been, let us hope this is the case anyway.

I’m so confused right now. And just needed to write this out, to get it organised in my head.

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Date:2006-12-20 14:56
Subject:Last night &today
Security:Public

I had a long talk to my friend Luke last night... He's such a sweetie, and so funny at the same time.

We had a talk about a little of everything, me and him just talked and talk and talked...

I got some boy advice off of him, he thinks my mannager MAY like me, and i should be positive... he says that since things are like, wierd, mainly on his part, he's probably noticed that i like him and he's probably found himself liking me back. I will have to check this one up.

We were also talking about the groupings for next year, as the groups will probably dramaticly change as they have been changing over the hollidays and towards the end of the school year.

we talked for a good 3 and a 1/2 hours. it was good.

I'm thinking about going out and buying my dad a chrissy pressant later, i'm not sure what to buy him though.

Hmm, i will have to come back to that one.

bye for now.
<3

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Date:2006-12-19 17:54
Subject:The Suicide Girl...
Security:Public

I got bored today, as my plan's fell through.

I have been sending myspace messages and comments all day and stumbled across that Suicide Girl's myspace, I had a look and was taken in by the idea of strong, sexy, tatooed and pierced women braudcasting themselves naked over the internet.

I looked into it further and read that they want all sorts of women to pose for them, I, rolling my eyes at this, started looking for a women who had love handles... i found one, well, more than one. I was really shocked to see this as most model's these days are blonde, skinny &ugly. But these girls weren't.

I just found that really interesting that someone, for once, didn't limit their view of attractivness bassed on the same factors that it always tends to be bassed on, and maybe, just maybe, society, or at leaste a small section of it, is appreciating the women with curves, the women who are more "realistic", not that thin girls are unrealistic, they are very realistic, but they are more unusual than this kind of woman.

Oh, and i did some homework today, i did a draft for an essay. Yay for me.

I'm done now.

Thanks for reading.

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Date:2006-12-16 03:07
Subject:I has a confession.
Security:Public

Okays, I need to face facts.

I have feelings for my mannager at work, really big ones.

I know this must seem trivial and small and stupid, but i hate likeing him, coz we're just mates (he's a year and 9 months older than me, so we have a lot in common)... and yeah, if i was to date him it would be so screwed up and it'd be such a fuss, and when it was over, we'd have to work together still.

I worked tonight, and he was acting really strange, and he was talking to the guys about asking someone out, and they were all "just do it" and he din feel right about it.

I dunno if that was me, but it'll be out of me and 1 other girl i work with, bassed on what i heared, and yeah.

If he did approach me and asked me out, or anything of the sort, I would have no clue how to act... or what to say. He'd have to know I like him by now, i mean... it's so, obveous.

Why do i only ever wright in this when i like someone?

This is so dumb.

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Date:2006-09-19 20:01
Subject:Holidays
Security:Public

Yay for time off school.
I get to do homework and work.
Wait, this is time off!?
WOW. Coulda fooled me.

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Date:2006-08-14 18:59
Subject:woah, boys.
Security:Public

I always thought i was obsessed with boys.
That was before I met another girl.

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Date:2006-07-17 20:29
Subject:Brave... or Stupid?
Security:Public
Mood: blank



You know,

I thought I was brave.

I was brave enough to admit who I am,
And tell people about it.

I was brave (or was that stupid) enough to ware my heart on my sleave
And people laughed about it.

I was brave enough to finally just be me
And for some reason…

People hated it.

What the hell?

Why are people so fake? You are human, as am I. We are the same… but for some reason you think you are different, somehow better.

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Date:2006-07-08 00:03
Subject:Double dagger.
Security:Public
Mood: crappy

Every time I see you, you stay in my head, for days, weeks, even months after, all I think of is you.

It feels so odd, all these emotions bubbling, they have no names, but I can still feel them, deep, pestering and biting away at me.

All I want to do is have something normal, but no, that would be too much to ask… and I feel like I’m crazy, fuck, so crazy over you.

God, how come this happens, how come I feel this repetitive strain in my chest, as my heart beats just to touch you, hold you, yet my mind is saying no, get the hell away, I don’t what you, I want none of you.

It’s fucked up, and I want it to stop, but it’s not going to… ever.

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Date:2006-06-02 16:11
Subject:OVER!
Security:Public

My exams are finaly over.
Time to celebrate. :D

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Date:2006-05-14 16:54
Subject:Rejection.
Security:Public

Just last Friday (it's Sunday now) my friends were talking to me about the guy I like, Beau.
They were asking me things like:

"Dose he like you back?"
I told them the truth in that I didn’t think he did.

Then one of my friends, Llana, who know's Beau really well filled me in, he likes me as a mate.

I was fine with this, and was actually happy, as I like him as a mate also, and am getting really tiered of this 'dose he like me or not' thing...

So yeah, then some of the girls I know took off, and when they saw him, they grabbed him and asked him out for me, without me saying they could or anything... they just did it, and I’m standing there, like 'what are they doing?' and he looked straight at me, so I knew it was about me.

I asked the girls what they had said, and they just walked away or said 'nothing about you, don't worry.'

I had no choice but to trust them, so I just went to my next class.

Which he happened to be in …

When I got to class I sat down at a table on the other side of the room. As the class progressed I heard him and his mates (and some of our mutual friends) talking about me. He also looked at me a lot, and so did his friend Stu. Beau also looked straight at me, caught my eye and then when I looked at him he shook his head, smiling.

When I got home I went online (at 4.30) and one of the girls came clean with me, telling me that one of the girls who was with her when she went to talk to Beau asked him out for me, and then everything made since.

He had turned me down, of course, and they were all too scared to tell me for fear of what I might do (like, yeah, I could, and would, TOTALY beat them up, like, get real...).

So yeah. Since then I've been thinking about all the stuff he's done, and some matches up to him not liking me and just wanting to be friends, but other things, just, don't. I need to talk to him, and things to get back to where they were before Danielle slipped up and told him I liked him.

Ugh. Sorry this was so long, I just needed it OUT.

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Date:2006-05-06 14:12
Subject:Stalemate.
Security:Public
Mood: thoughtful

I feel like I'm in a stale mate at the moment, with Beau and with schoolwork (funny how the two are interlinked so much).

Well, I'll start with schoolwork, I can't do a lot of it until certain things happen, such as I get on power point and start my presentation, but power pint isn't opening up at the moment.

And Beau, well, one of us has to make a move, but I’m not so sure who should. He knows I like him, but I don't know if he feels the same, to get this info I have to talk to him, but I don't have too much curage at the moment. It sucks, and as I said once before, all the complaining in the world won't bring him to me.

So yes, I'm standing here, thinking, wishing, wondering what will happen next. With Beau, and with school to an extent.

Ah the wonders of life.

<33 Stacey

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Date:2006-05-01 18:48
Subject:Ah, sleepies!
Security:Public
Mood: satisfied

It's strange.
Last year I could never sleep. I always seemed to be getting between 3 and 5 hours sleep a night, and I got so use to it, I hated it, but I got use to it.
It became normal to "catch up" on sleep on the weekends. I could see the non-sleep hurting my life and social life, god, it was horrible. But again, I adapted.
Now days, when I get less than eight hours sleep it sucks, I can barley get up in the morning.
I don't even know why the insomnia went, but it seemed to disappear over summer, and when I moved school, it was all gone. Which was great.
I don't even know why I am blogging this, I suppose because it's on my mind, and because I can.
So yeah.
Enjoy!
♥ Stacey

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Date:2006-04-30 11:37
Subject:*Family*
Security:Public

Ugh.
Theres a family gathering coming up.
Actualy, we are suppose to be there now.
I'm not too happy about this as theise "family members" are only talking to us because they can smell money.
Don't you just hate that?
So yeah, I'm gonna go off to a family lunch, with a whole lot of people who shair my blood and name, but who are not my family, and i shall enjoy it (well, yeah. Not really).
Buh bye!
<33 Stacey

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Date:2006-04-28 21:57
Subject:So there you have it...
Security:Public
Mood: content

So, let us add to Stacey's already kinky self and let the world know...
I came out to my (close) friends last year and told them I am bi, and proud of it.
So now, this year, I have decided since a lot of them are getting use to that I'm going to add to it and tell them something else, but I don't know what they will do.
I'm a Switch.
For anyone who don’t know, A switch Is a person who is into Domination and Submission. But instead of being Dominant or Submissive, they are both (not at once, but they can take in turns and enjoy both roles).
Yeah, It's confusing.
To add to this I am also into light S and M. Nothing too great, although yeah.
I told one of my friends about this the other night and she asked how I knew, I’ve done some light dominance and submission before. But I haven’t really done too much S and M beyond being bitten, which, yeah. * Blushes *
Yeah, but I think these are things you just know.
So now I have that off my chest, I am going to check my mail and sit down to a movie.
Bye kiddies!!!
♥ Stacey

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